One of THOSE Days

Today was one of those days.

The kind where you write an email to your husband stating the fact that you've just about lost it and you are done and all that jazz and he (wisely) decides to come home from work early. And when he does, through tears, you tell him to take the baby and don't come back for a really, really long time.

Yah, that kind of day.

Sort of feel guilty about it.

But then sort of not.

I needed a break yesterday and wasn't able to get it and then the baby had a very bad night. The kind where she's just restless all night long which means constant waking which means constant soothing. So the cards were stacked against me when I got up today and by the afternoon I was about to my wit's end and then... the baby fell asleep... "Oh, blessed nap!" I thought but then how wonderful the baby was awakened 20 minutes later by a neighbor boy walking by. Yes, I officially have the lightest sleeper on the face of the planet. Lots of times I can soothe her back to sleep. Not today. Not the day I needed it most.

So, it was not a good afternoon.

And I guess I just have the need to complain a little to get it all out. So here goes...

Why, can someone please tell me, is it that the harder I work at trying to improve my life, the harder it gets?!
I feel like I am constantly working to do the right thing, the good thing, the best thing but there is nothing to show for it. Except my exhaustion.

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Actually, most days I feel like giving up. Really. Most days I have some sort of battle about giving up. To give up or not to give up... That is the question. But generally speaking, I pull myself up and decide to try one more day, try one more thing. But nothing changes. That I guess is the thing that is frustrating me the most. Okay, at least one of the "most-est" things. I don't give up. I decide to keep on going, working at life, expecting it to change and it doesn't. It doesn't get easier in spite of not giving up. The problems don't go away because I didn't give up. That's what I mean by nothing changes.

Another weight/issue that has weighed me down to the breaking point today is the lost hope. I was relying on something, expecting something. It was kind of the last option. And it fell through. What do you do when the last option falls through? Well, I guess there is another path to take so it's not entirely the last option. But the last option travelling down a certain path... that is the thing that's gone and so I suppose the last bit of hope that went with it... well... went with it. I know there is hope. I'm not entirely hopeless. But I know the other path is exhausting. Which makes me feel like the cycle of this exhausting life continues. Try harder... be more tired... try harder... be more tired.

So like I said, today was one of those days.